Time to Deal

I'm addicted to IFC. Once again, I get sucked into watching some little nothing film of whom nobody has ever heard (OK, somebody heard about it but nobody cared much for it.). I've always loved Lili Taylor for her performance in Say Anything. ("No. The world is full of guys. Be a man. Don't be a guy." Take THAT, Lloyd Dobler!) And Guy Pearce is just one of those soulful, cool Aussie guys who never sounds Australian. It was a lovely little human heart story where everyone winds up wiser and relatively happy. Of course it's hard not for one of the main characters to improve after cutting some guy's name in her forehead, but still.

ANYway... I'm finding myself wanting to deal. With the weekend approaching, the surgery a week past now, and the Big Appointment looming on Tuesday, I'm trying not to obsess about what's going to happen. I know it's pointless to obsess, but I can't help it a little.

I've been in a place since the surgery, kind of feeling the worst is over and I'm supposed to be getting back to business when in fact, this could all get quite nasty. Of course we'll all be hoping the results are the best possible and away we go, but it doesn't hurt to think about possible results. I'm not talking about details or anything, just recognizing what could happen.

So what's interesting to me is how I find myself jockeying for position with the universe or whatever. I don't want to be too happy with having things feel they're going so well. I want to do due diligence to pay my dues. I want to feel some pain because I might be getting off too lucky here.

How's this sound, Universe... for starters...just a point to start negotiating: I'll feel very, VERY bad about all the stories I hear about how awful it can be for people when they get and deal with brain tumors. I could even write some encouraging words to people... give them some compassion, etc. In return, I of course, get to go on with my life with no tumor, no cancer, no nothing. Works for me.

This example is simplistic and coarse. If I was serious, I'd REALLY put some effort into it, but I'm just not sure my heart is in it.

The point is I'm horrified to even say those kinds of things. How awful that anyone ever has to go through things like that, but we do all the time... every day.

Yet here I am, still wanting to make a deal for myself.